Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Breaking news:
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here