Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
*orders delivery*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday