“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Children of the corn 🌽
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.