Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Aight bet
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My current situation