Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle