*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
You Might Also Like
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness