“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I already tried new things thanks.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Well, this is awkward
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first