Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
You Might Also Like
584.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
HERE’S MARKY
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do