Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
You Might Also Like
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
new shirt idea
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?