“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Oh we’ve met.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”