him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.