my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol