I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.