“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
(2022)
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth