How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD