Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”