Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Banana is the quietest snack
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.