Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.