[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this