My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My neck, my back, my…