“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves