At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
See..?
.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day