TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Strangers have the best candy.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.