This forever.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I can also cook 😂
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Incredible customer service.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”