Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Spell check is for lasers.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.