Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.