Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you