[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
You Might Also Like
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.