Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?