So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.