If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
all that yoga finally paid off
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.