90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The options really are this bad
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.