The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Bring back the McRib
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.