They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.