Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha