It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?