Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.