Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters