Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.