How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You Might Also Like
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
For the ones in the back.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I