Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Dear Lord..