If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
mariah carrie
meanwhile over on facebook
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong