I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated