“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM