my favorite genre of twitter
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.