3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
A bold strategy
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.