Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly