For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.