*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong