My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Perfect
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Should I call tech support or pray or what
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Simple enough.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.