Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.